The Evil Relenor
by Kyoryoku Nazo
Summary: Okay, this is a stupid piece of crap ^^. However, it seems to be my most renowned fic, so here ya go. And yes, if you like Relena, you probably shouldn't read it. (Shounen-ai-ness) STUPID! But funny ^^


The Evil Relenor  
  
By: Kyoryoku Nazo  
  
  
It is in my expert opinion that the one known as "Relena" is no more human than a loaf of   
bread. Therfor, she must be dealt with in classic Japanese-monster-movie conduct. Roll film!!  
  
3  
*beep*  
2  
*beep*  
1  
*beep*  
  
Open on Tokyo, a quiet day just like any other. Little did the people of the town know that   
beneath the murky depths lurked an ancient monster whose sleep was being disturbed.  
"DeathScythe!"  
"SandRock!"  
"DeathScythe!"  
"SandRock!"  
"DEATH! SCYTHE!"  
"Shut up you two," said Heero, watching distastfully from the side lines. "Why don't you   
solve this like civilized people."  
"Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots!"  
"No, Duo! Shut up! I mean why don't you have a private little battle to see whose gundam is   
better."  
"Well, I'm not sure. I mean, Quatre might want to use SandRock again! Hahahaha!"  
"Shut up!" shouted the usually quiet boy. "You're so on, Maxwell!"  
"Fine! Just name the place!"  
Heero once again intervined. "How about that mysterious and conspicous looking island out   
there in the middle of the bay?"  
"OK!" the others agreed.  
  
Duo jumped into DeathScythe whistling something that sounded like an old Bangles song,   
situating himself merrily into his gundam's cockpit.   
Meanwhile, Quatre was having trouble prying the Maguarnacs off his leg.  
"Master Quatre! It's too dangerous, you can't go!"  
The blondie just sighed and flashed his usual 'I'm so cute and innocent, you know you can't   
resist me' smile.  
"Oh....alright! But we'll be standing by."  
"Of course, it's just a silly little fight. It's not like we're going to hurt each other,"   
Quatre said softly, then looking out of the corner of his eyes to see DeathScythe whacking   
down trees with it's scythe.  
A distinct Duo sounding voice was heard over the com-system, singing merrily.  
"Ninty-nine Quatre-like trees to slice down, ninty-nine Quatre-like trees!"  
"DUO!"  
"Oh, erm, could you hear that?"  
Quatre just sighed and prepped SandRock.   
  
Both Gundams ready, Heero watching from above in Wing, shouting out the side, "You know the   
rules! First gundam to have a critical hit looses!" Crawling out onto the outer hull, he   
waved a scarf like a biker-gang-chick. "Ready! Set! GO!"  
With that, DeathScythe sprung into action, jumping up into the air to avoid SandRock,   
causing Quatre to trip over all the tree logs Duo had hacked.  
"Not fair!" shouted the blond pilot as his gundam struggled to right itself. However, it was  
too late. DeathScythe was already on it's back, holding onto the non-firing arm with ease.  
Blow after mighty blow, SandRock was beat in the head with it's own 'fist'.  
"Stop hittin' yourself! Stop hittin' yourself! Stop hit-"  
But Duo's psychotic fighting technique was interupted by a great *whoosh* coming from the   
near-by shorline.  
The water parted to reveal a huge mass of sea-weed intertwined with what must surley   
be...blond hair?  
The people of Tokyo stopped their everyday street conversation to gaze up in terror at the   
hideous HIDEOUS form emerging from the bay.  
In badly dubbed English voices, exclamations went up as neerly every single citizen in Tokyo  
was apparently out on the streets.  
"It's.....it's Godzilla!"  
"No! It's not! It so much UGLIER than Godzilla!"  
The three gundam pilots could hardly belive the site that was appearing before them.   
DeathScythe and SandRock were gaping in horror at the monster that appeared before them.   
Apparently, the sound of gundamium bashing around was too much for the sleeping beast.  
Only Heero was truly speechless as the evil started to take form. "No...it just can't!" he   
yelled, backing up and almost falling from Wing's hovering hull.  
Slowly the beast turned around, letting it's god-awful voice be heard. It was as if nails   
on a chalkboard could somehow form into audible sounds.  
"Heeeeroooo! Heeeroooo! Come and get me Heeeroooo!"  
With a sound more deafening than anything the monster could let loose, the Japanese pilot   
screamed in utter fear for the first time in his life.  
Duo emerged from DeathScythe, gazing up on the creature. "It's....RELENOR!"  
Townspeople scattered everywhere as Relenor made it's way onto land, knocking over buildings  
and pulling various convienently placed trains off their tracks.   
"Heeeerooooo! Where are you Heeeeroooo!"  
Heero crooked an eyebrow as the beast headed in the opposite direction of Wing which was   
hovering in the plain blue sky. He sighed and smacked his face, a sweatdrop appearing on the  
side of his head.  
  
Meanwhile, back in downtown Tokyo, Relenor continued it's rampage, squishing the little guys  
on bicycles like it was a game or something. Every so often, she'd tilt her head back and   
breathe out a huge beam of fire, sending the townspeople running, screaming things in   
poorly dubbed English. Every so often, a sub-title would appear and hover strangly off the   
ground. Relenor simply squished it as well, exclaiming in it's monsterous voice, "I hate   
subtitles! I like crappy American dubs that they show on Cartoon Network!"  
Screams of horror could be heard probably as far as France.   
This was just too much! The G-boys had to do something. Heero jumped back into Wing and was   
about to take off when Duo came over the com-link.  
"Ah comeone, Hee-chan, can't it wait five minutes! You know I haven't gotten any all day!   
Get your little ass over here!"  
"Duo! This is hardly the time for-" but he cut himself off. "Wait! That's it!!"  
  
Relenor had made it's way to Tokyo Tower. Just as the monster was about to predictably   
start climbing, SandRock appeared from behind some building Relenor hadn't crushed yet.  
"Relenor!" shouted Quatre through a megaphone. "I know where Heero is, Relenor!"  
The hideous beast turned around, "Heeeeroooo?"  
"Yes! Heero! Follow me!"  
SandRock made it's way back through the burning remains of Tokyo, leading the beast right   
back to the island where it first emerged.  
When they finally arrived, SandRock's arm extened to point at the island. "He's over there!"  
"Heeeeerooooo!" was all the monster said, walking over to the island and looking around.  
After about ten minutes of searching the twently foot diametered island, she found him.  
"Heeeeeroooooo?! What are you doing Heeeroooo?!"  
Relenor looked down in horror to see Heero and Duo going at it like bunnies ontop of Wing,   
which was still hovering in the air.   
This distracted the monster long enough for SandRock to sneak up on her from behind, slicing  
into her and pulling the blade up past her head.  
As the corpse started to fall, Quatre used his purly Arabian knife skills and diced Relenor   
into little pieces. Satisfied with his work, Quatre jumped out of SandRock, walking over to   
the two pilots, still going at it like the world was about to end.  
"Um...guys? It worked...Relenor was distracted...I got her.......guys?"  
  
About a half and hour later, the three pilots regained their composer as well as their   
pants, and took a stroll down the miraculously restored steets of Tokyo, tring to descide   
what to do with all the Relenor meat.  
After several not-too great ideas, and some that just plain sucked, Duo felt a little   
lightbulb go off in his head as they passed a toy store.  
"That's it!"  
"What?" asked Heero.  
"We'll sell it to the Americans as gourmet food from Japan!"  
Quatre was the one to smack Duo upside the head. "No one's that stupid! They'll never buy   
that!"  
"Of course they will!" Duo motioned to the Pokemon poster behind him on the display window.   
"They'll buy anything!"  
Heero and Quatre exchanged a grin and nodded.  
  
And so Relenor was defeated by two horny gay guys and their fruity friend. All in all, the   
day was looked back with happy memories, although Heero won't go anywhere near ground beef.  
  
The End  
  
  
Ah, now wasn't that educational? I conclude my theory on how "Relena" should be dealt with   
and hope that this public service movie is passed on to other concerned citizens. Thank you.  
  
*************************************  
GUNDAM WING AND IT'S CHARACTERS BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE CREATORS  
POKEMON, ROCK-EM-SOCK-EM ROBOTS, AND GODZILLIA BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE CREATORS  
ORIGINAL FICTION IS CONSIDERED PROPERTY OF KYORYOKU NAZO  
*************************************  
  



End file.
